Das ist der Herr Koch .....
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the organization for "Termination without Cause". This is the taped transcript of the actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer
from the WordPerfect Hotline
The God Damn Fish Joke
The Panda
All the President's Men
Die Informatiker
A Boy and his Frog
Important Memo: TO ALL HUMAN BEINGS
Rechtschreibreform
Quantum leap
Timbuktu
Upgrade Dangers
Solutions for a small Planet, Press Release
U-Bahn unser
At the MS Restaurant
A Two Hour Delay
Proof that managers make more money
Christmas
...more Christmas action
Elche
Road Runner Test
A new element discovered"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and see if you can find the power cord."
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into"......
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back" -
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark" -
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, er, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is the problem that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Deutsch nach der Rechtschreibreform von 1996
Es grast das fi im gruenen kle;
es stiert die ku zum oksen;
der fuks ist listig, scheu das re;
nicht alle bokser boksen.
Erkwikkend ist ein kalbsfile
und bifstek mit vil sose;
der blik von einer hueppschen fe
wirkt heufig wie hueppnose."One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish!" The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun." And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish.
So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said: "Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that," ..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it, a god damn fish."
So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll clean it". While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said: "Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught". The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that", and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish". So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it".That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table, and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish," ...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish," ...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish,"...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish."
And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already!"
In Australien findet ein Wettbewerb statt, in dem es darum geht,
einen Reim zu kreiern, der auf "Timbuktu" endet. Zwei Personen, ein
Priester und ein Schafhirte, kommen in die Endausscheidung. Der
aufgrund seiner Vorbildung leicht favorisierte Priester eröffnet das
Finale:
"I was a priest for all my life,
I had no children and no wife,
I read the bible trough and trough,
all my way to Timbuktu."
- Grosser Applaus. Trotzdem geht der Sieg an den Schafhirten:
"Tim an I to Melbourne went,
there were three women in a tent,
they were three and we were two,
I booked one and Tim bokked two!"A Panda bear walked into a restaurant, sat down and ordered
some food. After eating his meal, the bear stood up, took out
a gun and started firing bullets at everything in sight. Glass was
flying everywhere as patrons ducked under the tables.
Finally, the bear put the gun away and started out the door.
The shocked owner of the restaurant screamed at the bear
"Hey, what's the big idea. Why did you come in here and destroy
my nice restaurant?"
The Panda looked at the owner calmly and stated :
"I'm a Panda bear, look it up!"
The owner, a little flustered, found a dictionary and looked up
the entry for Panda bear :
"One of a unique species of Asian bears noted for it's distinctive
black spots on a white coat. Eats shoots and leaves."
Ein Maschinenbauer, ein Physiker und ein Informatiker fahren in einem
Auto durch die Wüste. Plötzlich bleibt das Auto stehen, und die drei
beginnen über die Ausfallursache zu streiten. Der Physiker: "Sicher ein
unvermuteter Entropiezuwachs im Motorraum!" Der Maschinenbauer:
"Blödsinn, es ist einfach der Keilriemen gerissen oder der
Zündverteiler hat sich verabschiedet oder sowas!" ...usw ..usw - Bis es
dem Informatiker zu dumm wird: "Ist doch egal, wir steigen einfach aus
und wieder ein, dann wird´s schon wieder laufen."President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun
is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on
the ground.
He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered
White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written
in urine in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House
Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants
to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President
and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news,
and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee,
we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues:
"The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really
upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to
tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand
writing".
KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution,M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into raucous, joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa,IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village." The Bantu tribesmen are members of an ever-growing, international community of users who have turned to IBM to solve their networking needs. Jean-Claude DuMont, a goatherder from the French region of Brittany who is working on an Indiana University Ph.D. in biology via internet, recently looked into IBM's new computer-satellite data uplink, which offers instant access to all library files worldwide. "With IBM's new uplink service, I can access any file I want, any time I want," DuMont told fellow goatherder Pierre Valmont during a recent walk through a rye field. "I can even find out how many points Michael Jordan scored last night."
Responded Valmont: "Radical."
die du bist im Tunnel.
Beschleunigt werde dein Wagen.
Mein Zug komme, kein Unglueck geschehe
Wie am Bahnsteig, so auch auf Schienen.
Unsere taegliche Streifenkarte gib uns heute.
Und gib uns einen Sitzplatz,
damit auch wir verleben eine schoene Fahrt.
Und fuehre uns nicht in Kontrollen,
sondern erloese uns von den Boesen.
Denn dein ist das Gleis,
und der Schacht
und die Bequemlichkeit in Unpuenktlichkeit -
Abfahrt.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and it is a memory hog, has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife
1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming Girlfriend 4.0
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port an conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't habe an uninstall program. I tried to
uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is
that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold
plated contacts.
******** BUG WARNING *******
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug: If you try to install MIstress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.
Quantum leap (n.): in physics, the
smallest theoretically possible
change; in marketing, the largest
imaginable jump. No contradiction.Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup;
try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;
how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with
the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check.
I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
I'm sure you can enjoy this! (Rose, please don't foward to Pam P.--she
complains to people in high places about me sending such stuff.)
-------------------------------------------
TO: ALL HUMAN BEINGS
FROM: GOD & MOTHER NATURE
SUBJECT: BUGS IN NATURE 1.0, AND THE FORTHCOMING UPGRADE - 2.0
GENERALITIES
Firstly we would like to say how impressed we are at the enthusiasm many of you have shown in coming to grips with version 1.0. Thanks also to those who have filed bug reports - all your problems have been given a sympathetic ear, but I have been unable to respond individually in the great majority of cases. Mother Nature and I have been hard at work most of the time on version 2.0, and although we have not finalised all the details, I will tell you of some of the new features a little later on. Of course the biggest dilemma we have faced since we ran 1.0 was whether to produce version 1.1, 1.2 etc. as a series of bug fixes, or whether to let the existing system run, with all its faults while we worked on a more expansive system. Mother Nature in particular has been very concerned at some of the crueler anomalies in 1.0, and while I share her concern, I have persuaded her to let the system run while we worked on something really special. A lot of you are probably wondering why the new version is so late in coming - all I can say in response is that is, if you had any idea of how long it took us to get 1.0 to the point where it would run at all, then you wouldn't be surprised at the time it has taken to upgrade it. Many of you have been guessing that a new Nature would be running around the end of the millennia, and we hope to be able to run it by then. We have both been impressed by the name you have given this system you have been wishing for so long - "Aquarius". Mother Nature would like to call it Aquarius 2.0, but I still think that the word "Nature" needs to be in the title as well. It will probably be called "Nature 2.0 - Aquarius".Some of you are wondering whether we will "beta-test" 2.0 before running it properly. This was not possible in the case of 1.0 because Mother and I were the only people anywhere - so there no-one else to give it to test. I toyed with the idea of actually running version 0.8 (the first one that didn't crash immediately), and asking some of the people there what they thought of it and asking them to take a look at later versions, but the whole idea gave me a headache. The thought of running various "Natures" which we knew to be imperfect, especially several different versions at a time filled me with dread. Mother and I are real programmers - we don't feel the need to beta-test - but the thought of running several realities at once was too daunting for us. So we worked very carefully, and when we were reasonably happy with the way it all looked, we ran it and you are part of the result. Those of you who can see beyond your own noses will have noticed, that I like to do things on a grand scale, and I felt much happier writing a complete upgrade, than fiddling with the details. Besides, I must admit that I was fascinated by the extremes to which anomalous situations could develop in 1.0 and I was attracted by the purity of letting the system run for so long. For those who came out the worse for wear - sorry. Version 2.0 will be much more pleasant.
Upgrading to 2.0 will be interesting. Although the process is analogous to running new code on the old data, bringing up a new "Nature" will be non-trivial even for us. I envisage that nothing which exists under the current system will be lost in the changeover, although some entities may hardly recognize themselves. None of you will know when the change will come. The change will be instantaneous, and although you may find yourself changed somewhat, these differences are insignificant compared to the expanded possibilities of the new Reality you will inhabit. There is no preparation you can make for the changeover, except of course to keep your eyes wide open, and my advice to you all is carry on as usual, relax and take it easy.
Don't think however that your bug reports can do no more good, whether you pray or blaspheme, keep them coming in - I am still listening. It is not often that I write to you like this and I would like to take this opportunity to answer some of the more interesting queries you have raised.ANSWERS TO QUERIES
Firstly one boring query I have grown quite sick of - "Dear God, I am not sure that you exist, please show *me* a sign!". Like some great sage I am bound to answer this question with a series of questions - Take a look around you, see everything in the Universe - do you think that it grew like Topsy? Do you think that I (I mean we) made it? If I exist, then of course I made it, and I would rather be doing something constructive (or fun) rather than creating a special little miracle for you. On the other hand if you think that Nature grew like Topsy without me then why are you praying? Why have you read this far?
Many of you have wondered which parts of nature were created by Mother Nature, and which by me. The original idea was Mother's but I provided most of the structure and a lot of the tricky connections within the system. I have dealt with most of the technical intricacies, and Mother Nature has worked long and hard developing most of the gorgeous details you see in the world around you. I have often asked her advice on basic structure however - for instance when I was trying to decide what the limits of the physical universe are to look like, I was torn between the receding time and distance appearance and the goldfish-bowl approach (which I was unhappy with), Mother was able to suggest an approach which is much more fiendish and beautiful than anything I would have thought of on my own.
I am very interested in detail and have gone to a lot of trouble to ensure that Nature can come up with lots of random finely graded detail. I have also ensured that the mechanisms were available for life to create its splendid diversity of function and appearance, but you should all know that Mother Nature has continually lent her personal touch to lovely designs of many of the living entities. Many of you have been troubled by anomalies in human belief structures which seem to involve me - I am speaking here of the organized religions. The apparent connection with me is all an illusion - a result of their continuing pretense to have some special knowledge and connection with the Big Boss. Of course this is not true. Fortunately no other species apart from Homo Sapiens has the brains to waste its time with concepts like guilt, damnation and grovelling.
Some of you may think it pleases us to be the object of praise and worship, but it generally leaves us unmoved. We certainly don't need our egos boosted. I find the religions generally tiring and often quite distasteful, although some of them have given rise to works of great beauty and value. So that you may understand my disdain, let me give an example of a human situation which is similar in many ways to ours.
You decide to make a big beautiful fish pond. You dig it wide and deep and stock it with fine water weeds and insects. You search the countryside for many species of fish to live in your pond. You hope that they will grow, swim around, enjoy life and reproduce.
Everything grooves along quite happily until one day you notice that some members of a particular species of fish form little groups. The individuals are praying to you and the groups are often led by a fish with a self important manner wearing a funny looking hats or collar. There are different kinds of groups with different styles of prayer and occasionally they squabble and fight about their disagreements. Some groups kill other fish or members of their owngroup as a sacrifice to impress you - in the hope that you will sprinkle a little more fish food in their corner of the pond.
They praise your greatness, build quaint piles of rocks in your honour. They feel guilty about their fishy weaknesses, and beg your forgiveness. In many cases the leaders have convinced the individuals that when their time is up you, will flush them down the toilet because they have been bad little fishes, and that if they pray hard enough you will forgive them and put them back in the big river from whence they came.
This fish psychosis troubles you. You set out to make a pond that would be pleasurable for all fish, and yet some of them have become sidetracked and are making a mess of it all. They assume you are terrible powerful and punishing, and there is nothing you can do to change their minds.
Perhaps now you can understand my feelings for the churches. I have often thought that there would be a lot less trouble if I built in some kind of limit to Homo Sapiens' mental development, but I admit that I am fascinated by its continued development, and all the new complexities it brings. I have no intention of implementing such a restriction in 2.0 but I am working on a special mechanism to limit the depths of despair which people are capable of talking themselves into. This will be difficult to do cleanly, but the fact that such a large number of people have their heads full of depressing restrictive dogma is one of the major failings of Nature 1.0. Many people have a vision of hell (which of course does not exist as such), but my vision of hell is groups of people spending all their lives wallowing in their own mental diarrhea, and never experiencing very much else. Sadly for some people, this hell is real. The problem is not confined to religions of course, or indeed to groups of individuals, and I hope that the special mechanism will alleviate the blinkered vision in all these cases. Some people have asked why I have made atom bombs possible. The fission process was a direct result of the forces and diversity of nuclear physics. I am quite happy with this part of nature, and do not intend to change it significantly in the new version. It was inevitable that the fission bomb would be developed rapidly once the principles were understood. Its use of course was regrettable, but the restraint shown since then has been both heartening and absolutely necessary.I am often asked "God, why did you allow viruses?" and "Why did you make mosquitoes?". I am extremely proud of my work in laying the basis for the chemistry of life, and I would not change anything in that area, but I admit that I had not considered the possibility that these self replicating lifeless genetic land mines would evolve. They are not much fun, and even Mother Nature doesn't seem to think that they enjoy life, and so I admit they are a damn nuisance, and not something I had planned. I am confident that you will be able to cope with them as you have in the past. As for mosquitoes and flies, I only look at them, and admire their wings and eyes - they don't buzz around me, and although I can see that they are a problem to many of you, I couldn't bring myself to cut them out of the new version - where would I stop anyway - mosquitoes, fruit flies, dragonflies, beetles - they are all a nuisance to some living entity, and yet they groove along just like everything else.
I am often asked "Is this table real?", or more depressingly people say to themselves (rather than to me) "Do I really exist?". After all the work we have put into making Nature happen it is really sad to hear people questioning their own existence. On a slightly less self centered tack are those who ask "Is life just a simulation?". This is usually asked by humans who have been comparing atoms and solar systems, or spending too much time with computers - my response to all of you is "Well... what does it feel like ??" I am often asked to perform miracles and such-like, and once again I would rather be working on the Big Picture for version 2.0 than poking around inside the old system. I have had virtually no direct interaction with Nature 1.0 and its Reality since I turned it on, although I have been a keen observer. Mother Nature has intervened in human affairs occasionally but most of her involvement has been adding her own ideas to the form and detail of plants and creatures.
Before giving a few details of the new system, I have a few quick things to say to various groups of people.
To the Occultists :- you can poke your fingers into the machinery, but you are unlikely to change its workings the way you want, and your fingers might get squashed.
To people who have wished for time travel, sorry this is just not on. I occasionally go backwards to have a look at the earlier stages of Nature 1.0, but even I do not dare go forwards. I think that backwards travel would cause too much trouble if made available to humans, but I will be keeping a copy of the old system 1.0, and I have made a few "snapshots" of its Reality at various stages of development. It is possible that I could re-run the old system and some of its frozen realities in the future, but I find it hard to imagine why I would do so.
To the Physicists who have recently discovered some of the subtle details of gravity - I am surprised it took you so long! Have a good look now, because the anomaly is just that, and it will disappear once I bring up 2.0.
To the Physicists who are researching subatomic structure, nothing much will change, but forces which you currently ignore, and only occasionally appear in 1.0, will be a more normal part of life in 2.0.
To people who are concerned about the extinction of species - although cataclysmic changes have changed the direction of life forms in the past, the current impact of Homo Sapiens on other creatures and plants was certainly not what we had in mind when we made 1.0. No-one is more concerned about the extinction of species than Mother Nature and I, but we feel that Nature must run, and that Reality should care for itself rather than be periodically saved from itself by divine intervention.
To humans who think that we created the Universe, but made it for humans - we do not like your attitude.
NEW FEATURES IN NATURE 2.0 Firstly everything that exists now will continue to exist in one form or another. The physical world will exist as it does now with the same number of dimensions and forces, the major exception will be that one of the forces that was only an intermittent part of life will be much more accessible. This is the single force that is the basis of psycho-kinesis (moving things by thinking about them), ESP and precognition. This force moves physical objects (brain chemicals in the case of ESP and precognition), in a way which serves the mind's desire. To achieve the same result with conventional forces would involve impossibly complex control of those forces, and knowledge which cannot be gained through conventional physical channels. In the current version, this force has made a tantalising and sometimes crucial impact on life, but we both agreed that it would do no harm to make it more readily accessible. You may be concerned that this force can be used destructively, and this will certainly be possible. However we think that the positive uses of the force combined with the reduced chances of being trapped in depressed mental patterns will reduce destructive misuse to a large degree.
I am currently finishing new exception handling code in the fortune engine, and this should ensure that bad luck cannot continue for excessive periods of time. There will be additional forms of plant and animal life of all kinds - I have just tasted one of the delicious new fruits that Mother Nature has been working on.
Mother Nature has often complained that the human perception of colour is too restrictive - your eyes sense the intensities of three wavelengths of light so that your perception of colour is essentially three dimensional. After a great deal of work in the lab I have developed a new protein complex which tunes the retinal reception to the extreme violet, which when combined with an existing complex (currently only found in some animals) which tunes it to the near infra-red, will give humans the ability to sense five different wavelengths of light. Making such gross low level hardware changes to all existing human retinas will be a tricky business, but definitely worth the trouble. The sudden change to 5 dimensional colour perception will be instantaneous when I turn on 2.0, and you will all get a bit of a shock, but I am sure the surprise will be pleasant.
There will be other important new elements to Nature, which would not make any sense to you at present. In general the aim has been to increase detail, pleasure and scope and to decrease the occurrence of particular anomalies from which people seem unable to extract themselves. There will be an inevitable increase in complexity. There is no shortage of complexity under 1.0, but we feel that the expanding human consciousness, and the greater accessibility of the intuitive force will enable most people to cope.BYE-BYE
That's about it from us for now, we will not be in touch with you for a few millennia at least, so don't trust anyone who claims to have heard from us. "Nature 2.0 - Aquarius" will hit you with a bang in around 4 years, and we will have a rest and a bit of our own fun for a while. But remember, we are thinking of you, so keep those bug reports coming in! Nature 2.0 will not be perfect, but it is our best, and we are confident you will get to like it.
Best wishes,
God and Mother Nature.
Robert (Bob) Clover, Director
User Support Services/Instructional Application Support/AMSPEC
Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo,CA 93407
805-756-2966--Voice 805-756-1536--FAX
rclover@calpoly.eduA boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want. Why don't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "all of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving".
The mother went in and told her son, we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the son mother heard the son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on
the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today"."For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Given:
1) Knowledge is Power,
2) Time is Money
prove: managers make more money.
===========================
By definition,
3) Power = Work / Time
Substituting 1), 2) into 3),
4) Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money,
5) Money = Work / Knowledge
Taking limit as Knowledge -> 0,
Money -> infinity.
or,
====
The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Q.E.D.
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about
not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The
reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make
matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the
day and had crashed it into a tree.Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer
are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and
he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man!
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thushas an atomic number of O. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles calle peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.
